I’ve been a little lost lately — fighting that need to be valued– a lot of people probably never grapple with this, because your work keeps you connected daily. For me, feeling like I contribute to society more than just upholding the economy with grocery shopping and soccer games, tugs at my ego and my identity daily. A part of the challenge is that overwhelming feeling of where do I start? What’s my motivation and where can I make the most impact?
So I’ve opened my mind to going full time and it’s been stressful.
My time with Reese is strained, and many parts of the day I find myself flustered or frustrated, but I hate the thought of missing out on any of her amazing moments. And lately, our bond has been very strong, and very important to the balance of her day. We see her initiating a connection with me when I pick her up from school and her teachers say they can tell if we didn’t have time together in the morning or like the night before, when I am occasionally out to a board meeting or soccer practice runs late.
That bond is also important for me. I know I’m hard on myself and the whole family because I feel like we should be able to juggle more, or do it better. I am slowly accepting that we just aren’t like every other family. And the mess and the confusion and the uncertainty is ok if we are happy and we are able to enjoy our time together. So, when I’m frustrated with myself or Reese or just life, then I’m not able to be happy or in the moment with my kiddos. I see myself from the outside and I can be critical and empathetic at the same time. It’s the oddest feeling. I catch myself laughing under my breath as my nimble daughter climbs out of the Target cart for the third time in a 30 min visit. I know people are judging and staring and no matter what I have done to prepare for entertaining her, it won’t be enough. So I laugh at my situation and I laugh at the world who can’t see what I see.
The truth of our happiness lies in the balance and I am working on it every day. So if I look a little frazzled one side of the pendulum or the other, I’ll take a smile and a “you’re doing fine” any day that you want to give it.
And for working more, we shall see. The kids and I are just going to enjoy our pinwheels while they last.